“Okay girl, all you have to do is make sure you breathe.” So…I made sure to take a deep breath and I exhaled when needed. My personal trainer informed me that I had to make sure to take in oxygen at the right moment, or my muscles would hurt the next day. Needless to say, I listened to every word she advised, because the last time I took this particular exercise class; I became an invalid for five days! The year 2011 has become my biggest challenge to date.
It took just three months to gain about twenty five pounds during the single year of 2003. Then during a nine month pregnancy, I gained another thirty more pounds by the time I gave birth on April 19, 2004. Between the years of 2003 and 2005, my five feet six inch frame transformed from a sexy one hundred forty five pounds to a dangerous two hundred twenty one pounds.
I have always struggled to appreciate the reflection in my mirror. For some unfortunate reason, I had a mother who never saw me at my best. Although boys saw me as a juicy bone they wanted to lick, my mother always complained that I was fat. My grandfather always argued with his own daughter, “Your girl is just beautiful! Why do you think she is fat? Look at her! She is beautiful. Just let her be!” My father just kept his mouth shut, but he mended my wounds by taking me for a long bike ride. We took long, adventurous rides till I was thirteen. And till this day, I wish they had lasted longer.
When I was ten years old in 1984, my mother enrolled me in a weight-loss prevention program in downtown Miami. I had no say in the choice, and quite frankly; I was used to mother dictating my life. The company made a profit from two areas: One, the young fit girls who wanted to become gymnastics champions; and second, older women who wanted to lose weight. I was the only ten year old member in the group of older women.
On a daily basis, we were instructed to wear waist belts that were strapped against the wall and held by long rubber bands. The waist belt shook violently for thirty minutes— I felt the need to vomit every time. When the shacking ended at last and I removed the belt, I felt the vibration all over my body for hours! Soon after, we were taken to a “SAUNA ROOM.” The room contained four enclosed, upright tombs that only revealed the occupant’s head. We were taken in to each tomb, the doors to each container were closed, and then we stood our ground for fifteen minutes until the fat dripped off our bodies. The elder ladies joked about the steaming process, while I held back my tears. I knew that the weight was never to come off with hot steam and I kept my mouth shut.
A year later, when I was eleven, I saw one of the gymnastics students practice flip routines through the main floor. I thought she looked fantastic, but I also thought that I was surely capable of completing the same flips. When she repeated the routines, I asked if it was okay if I could try it. The girls were very kind to let me have a go at it. I held my breath at the far corner of the room, and then blew breath out to relax. I then concentrated. I ran to make the three flips. Bump, bump, flip…bump, bump, flip…and I stood up right at the end. I opened my eyes and saw that all the girls held a stoned expression on their face. Then I noticed as I looked around that girl after girl began to crack an honest smile. Twelve girls looked at me and with their smiles; I felt the most reassuring gesture of friendship anyone had ever shown towards me. One young girl of about the age of nine approached me and asked me if I had ever done gymnastics before. When I responded no, she said; “I have no idea how you were able to learn that so fast. That was amazing!” All the girls asked me to do the same moves again. I gladly accepted. When I concluded my routine just the same as I had done before, my weight loss teacher approached. One of the gymnasts informed her how great I was and the rest of the girls stepped in to encourage the comment. The instructor informed the girls that “Her mother pays for Vivian to lose weight, not to make her a champion gymnast.”
“Miss piggy, get out of here!” My older brother would yell at me every time I would even emerge into his space. “Oink!” He and his friends would call out to me just for fun. “Hey, Vivi! You are fat!” And then he would laugh—my older brother was supposed to protect me. Instead, he was always my worst bully.
“Vivi…you are fat!” Even though boys would desperately run after me, and beg me to be their girl, I was still fat to my mother at age fifteen. At age eighteen, I still needed to lose ten more pounds even though I had more boys chasing after me. By age twenty, I had already met my future husband, and by the time I began to plan my wedding, I told her “DAMMIT….ENOUGH!” I closed my door to her and the rest of my family, and soon my fixation about my weight took on a different life.
I began to eat my way out of depression. Four months after I gave birth to my daughter in 2004, I was forty pounds overweight. I felt tired all the time. I was miserable. I lived FAT for years!
2011: I have lost forty-three pounds. Why? Because I finally realized that I have the power to be “ME,” And because the exercise classes I am taking are extremely challenging. I lived under the scrutiny from my mother far too long. For many years, I believed that I had no worth at all. I actually thought many times, that others saw FAT in me and that was how it was going to be forever. But now, I have finally given up trying to look beautiful for my mother. Now? I have finally begun to focus on how I feel, and what I think I should feel like when I see myself in the mirror. And the reflection looking back at me now looks to be at peace and happy.
Posted on August 26, 2011
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