I met Edward, now my husband, in nineteen-night-five, and even though our relationship has been a turbulent ride, we have been able to establish a set of rules.  We decided to be honest, trustworthy, and supportive; after years dating, we were married in two-thousand-three.  I questioned my love several times through the years, we experienced the “seven year itch” more than once, we struggled managing our finances; but in the end, we still supported each other.  When our daughter Cecilia was born in two-thousand-four, we realized that our lives no longer orbited around us–Cecilia became the center of our lives.  My husband breathed for Cecilia, and I lived for her along the way.  Now that she is almost turning five, my husband is running out breath and my eyes have been blinded by our existence.  I have not lost faith, but I have lost hope.

     I have faith in God, and I have always worshiped his love in my own way.  However, when Eddie was laid off, my faith transformed into a marble on a large wall that everyone is trying to chisel.  The more I read, the more I find people losing hope.  The hopelessness I feel has transformed the outlook I have on my own existence, and not many people understand how I feel.  I can’texpect my friends to understand completely, but when one of my friends sent me the quote, “Good things come to those who wait;” I could only think there was an absence of empathy.  I know I must wait!  I know that eventually things will get better, but the empty message was just enough to sent me over the edge.  I apologize to those I may hurt, but Confucius’s advice is not the sort of support we need!

     ”You don’t understand how to live when you have not walked in another persons shoes.  If you have no words to support a person who is suffering due to this economic crisis, then just shut it!  Maybe you would like to explain things to my bright daughter on why we can’t pay bills!  Maybe you would like to breathe for her or see through her eyes if and when we loose our home!  If others fail to be honest, truthful, and supportive to families struggling through the same ordeal as we are, then maybe they should establish new rules on how not to lose hope when there is lack of hope!

And yet, WFLA (NBC Tampa, Florida) bosses walked his coworker into Human Resources on Tuesday and laid her off first.  Just as my husband watched our President sign the Stimulus Plan, he was contacted and walked over to Human Resources.  His hopes broken, his dreams deferred, and his esteem destroyed, he took in all the words that the big guys said.  “We are sorry.  You’re a great employee.  We must do this.  You will receive a paycheck twice, and then you will receive a severence package.  Thank you for your internship dedication and five years of full-time work, but we must let you go.”

And just  like that, his employment ended, his and our four-year-old’s medical benefits timelined to two weeks. 

My husband called me from the road to inform me about the lay off, and I didn’t believe him at first since he is always joking.  When the reality sunk in, I fell to me knees and trembled with fear.  See, we have planned our lives since we first met in 1995, but all of a sudden, fate took over our plans and diminished our hopes in seconds.  “What now,”  I cired, “What now?”

Our phone continues to ring with advice from our relatives, and as we watch the news about the CEOs who continue to ask for bailout money; I can’t help but curse at the television,  “No one is F—–g bailing us out!  Some of these greedy jerks have decided to deposit their millions in foreign accounts to avoid paying taxes!  We have paid our taxes, paid our bills, lived as productive members of society and yet here we are!”  It angers me that Republican leaders continue to say that Government is the problem, that Government should give hand-me-downs.  Here is a message to the GOP, who will helps us now if not our Government?  Get your face out of your a–s, get over the election loss, and they need to begin working for people like us who have been loyal to this country since our families migrated in the ealry 1980’s.  Enough is enough! 

I am proud of my husband.  He is taking this so well.  I am not sure if he is putting on a happy face for us, but while I am devastated; he dances with our little girl.  He takes pleasure being with her more often, and he smiles as he washes the dishes.  While I am pessimistic, he seems optimistic.  And when I feel like punching the wall, he paint-touches the small cracks that have developed.  While I drink wine to relax, he drinks water to purify his soul.  I am proud of him inspite of everything that has happened.  While we being to rehearse for the roles we have to play ahead, we pray that our President helps us get out of this tragedy.

Children have a sense of wonder, and that wonder is what keeps them ticking.  Why does this sense of wonder not work on adults?  If I wonder, I quickly distort reality.  Reality then seems to be a figment of the universe’s imagination.  I should be the one to blame if  reality distorted , but when the universe becomes shady and contorted; “things fall apart.”  When I look at my child, I feel her sense of wonder, but I also fear that her wonder will tear her apart when she becomes older.  What will happen when she discovers the apathy of the world as I have?  That will brake my life.

Sure, I understand that as parents, we need to set an example.  We need to guide our children and teach them how to thrive.  However, what happens when we can’t find the pieces to the puzzle?  What then?  What do I tell my child on why things are the way they are and there is nothing we can do sometimes?  “But why?”  My daughter would ask.  And I would never have an answer; that’s what I fear. 

My debt is high, my health is deteriorating, my workplace is stressful, and I can’t sleep.  And here I am alone again with my thought about “children and wonder.”  But as I look into the future, I pray to God that he gives me the strength to tell my little princess that there is still hope in people, and that in fact; the universe is not as bad as I thought it was.  “Things will stay in place,”  I hope.  I wonder if things will fall apart if I fail to get things right.

Tim, you will be missed.